His name is Charlie. Nice guy. You could call him, "Charlie, the nice guy". Charlie loves his wife, Brenda. She loves him very much as well. Unfortunately, Charlie has a secret. He is being a bully at home. The problem is that Charlie doesn't know it.
As Charlie grew up, he was disturbed by the fact that his father was frequently insensitive to his wife - Charlie's mother. So Charlie decided when he was very young that if he ever was fortunate enough to marry, he would be a very different kind of husband. Years later Charlie met Brenda. They wed. He tried in many ways to be the opposite of his father. Yet, that wasn't easy. Charlie's role model wasn't the best. So, Charlie tried to express himself as best he could. He had no idea that his wife's reluctance to be sexually intimate with him had anything to do with his resolve to be kind and giving.
Brenda had become a victim of sexual abuse from a close family friend. 80% of assailants are friends and family of the victim. Her parents didn't offer her the protection that she needed. They even enabled the abuse. When her abuser died, Brenda was thrilled at the news. "Yes! He's dead!"
Unfortunately, time alone does not heal all wounds. As Brenda matured, her friends started experimenting with boys. Brenda did not. She was off limits. So, when some years later Brenda met Charlie at work, she was surprised that she was interested in one of her co-workers. She was taken by his seemingly gentle nature. He seemed safe, even vulnerable, which was really important to her. Brenda wasn't afraid of Charlie. He even kept a stash of cookies in his work drawer.
In time, as both Charlie and Brenda overcame their shy hesitancy, Brenda learned to trust. Charlie was overcoming his own anxieties. Eventually, they married. But Charlie was somewhat frustrated that the guys who seemed to view women as sex objects seemed more successful in their relationships than he did. Shouldn't a guy who considered himself a feminist be a natural at this relationship thing? Why wasn't his wife more grateful to have Charlie as her husband?
Well, Charlie's first lessons were as follows. There are all kinds of people in the world and not all women are attracted to the gentle types. Some ladies are pretty tough themselves. OK. He got that. But, what hurt was realizing that in trying to be so different from his father, Charlie wasn't applying himself properly. He found it difficult to find employment when his job was downsized. Inside Charlie, there was a struggle going on. What is a man?
Eventually, Charlie got back on track and found a job that he was really good at. So, why did the problems in the bedroom continue? To Charlie, there was an answer: his wife had been hurt by not being able to afford the things she needed during their lean years and was harboring a lot of anger inside. But Charlie still had no clue. Yes, there was anger. But there was something else going on, too.
Finally, Brenda shared something with Charlie that so went against his nature of "Charlie, the nice guy" that he couldn't accept what she told him. "Charlie, I don't always want to feel pressured into having an orgasm every time we make love. I enjoy our being intimate very much. But, whenever you get friendly, I think 'Oh, no. Not again.'"
Mr. Feminist couldn't handle this one. He wondered to himself, hadn't his wife been keeping up to date? Women wanted men to be considerate lovers. Women had a right to an orgasm just as much as a man did. For centuries, men selfishly looked after their own needs and here he was trying to be so considerate and his wife wasn't interested?!!!
After a lot of thought, Charlie came to the conclusion that Brenda just didn't love him that much. There had been too much hurt in her life. But maybe if he showed that he really enjoyed pleasing her, Brenda would reconsider.
She didn't. In fact, things got worse. Brenda didn't enjoy Charlie's overtures at all. Finally in a state of crisis, Brenda sat Charlie down and explained herself. "Charlie, I love you very much. But you are being very selfish."
Charlie would have none of this. "Selfish? No, I really do try to please you."
"No, you don't Charlie," Brenda countered, "because if you did, you would listen to what I want and not what other people are telling you I want!"
Charlie got it. He didn't like it. But he got it.
Brenda continued, "Sometimes an orgasm is wonderful and you are a wonderful lover but I don't need one every time to feel close to you. If I had to choose between intercourse or orgasm, one or the other, I'd always choose intercourse because I prefer your being with me so intimately, our becoming 'one'."
Charlie tried to make sense of Brenda's request. He so wanted to be a great lover. How would he know when to pleasure his wife?
"I will tell you," she said. Both Charlie and Brenda realized at this point just how much they had grown. Brenda could own her sexual desires and not have things imposed on her body. At the same time, because of Charlie's respectfulness of his wife's needs, her love for Charlie deepened considerably. He really was the kind and gentle man she had always sought. And Charlie really was the considerate and loving gentleman he always wanted to be.