It was a little tricky finding just the right image for this post. Most portray a couple quite heavily into rapid breathing and love making. There may still be a few remnants of clothing in the frame, but the couples look to be fully engaged and committed.
Let me ask you something. Do these images of 'naked' models portray what foreplay is all about? Perhaps at this point you think that I am beyond square but that's OK. For while men love these images of women and many women appreciate these photos of men, that doesn't mean that they are images of foreplay.
There are sex therapists and other experts who promote the use of pornography in marriage to keep things fresh. It seems to me that making use of imagery of other people is useful when you are not attracted to your spouse and want to be distracted from them during your so-called 'love making.' How would you feel, as a man, if your wife wanted to fantasize about being with another, probably younger and stronger man? Imagine she says to you, literally or in essence, "It's bad enough my reality is that I'm stuck with you. Couldn't you at least try, now and then, to help me escape by watching a sex tape with me?"
Should there be any difference if it is the man who wants to escape from his beloved wife? Instead of hurting each other with insensitivity, focus on the beauty of your relationship and the beauty that you see in each other bodies and souls: eyes, lips, skin, curves, tenderness, thoughtfulness, etc. The front door to your home is closed for a reason. A couple's bedroom also needs boundaries beyond a physical door for it to be a place where you create and make love. Just as a family needs its spacial boundaries, the sacred relationship between a wife and her husband also needs its protection.
How do you entice, motivate or excite your spouse to want to make love? Well, one good question deserves another. What IS making love? Is it masturbating using a partner as a sex toy to stimulate you? Of course not. Making love is a way for a couple to demonstrate their love for each other in a very physical manner. It makes a statement, "We two people are in a sense one person, joined physically, emotionally and spiritually." And your dynamic in bed should mirror the rest of your married life.
A couple should look for ways to give to each other and make each other happy. Each positive interaction motivates the next. You are not there to use one another. A wife should want to give her husband the great joy of pleasing her. In order to do that, she has to be thrilled, especially emotionally, with their sexual interactions. The husband should want his wife to express the joy she receives while he pleasures her. Yes, it should be very natural for both partners to be very happy. If that's not the case, then the couple need to apply themselves to healing their relationship or to learning how to pleasure each other physically and sexually.
Should someone want to by cynical, they could say that each partner is really only interested in their own pleasure. However, they realize that they need to make their partner happy so that they will be able to come back for more. In reality, a true lover should be able to be able to tell if their partner really enjoys making them happy for their own sake. Yet, even more than this, we grow when we can take the selfish motive of our own pleasure and use it for the sake of sharing love, tenderness, affection, caring and desire with another.
Yet, there is a delicate balance involved. Each of us needs to focus on our own growth, developing our giving nature. Simultaneously, we need to make sure that we are not being used. But learning to give is not always simple. We can be trying to make ourselves happy while pretending to be givers. An example would be to buy your spouse a present that you want them to enjoy as opposed to one that they want. Don't try to use your partner to further your ends. You want to do what makes them happy and not what you need to make you feel good as a giver.
Thus, when there are differences in desire for sex, as there are in every couple, both partners need to agree with what is best both for themselves and their partner. The wife and the husband both need to be happy. That happens when they agree on how to proceed. It will not happen when one person is compromising their needs just to please their partner. This balance is made much easier when both spouses have developed their trait of giving.
Remember, you pleasure and you are pleasured in many facets of your marriage.
So, how do you entice your spouse? You begin with the following 3 steps:
Step 1 - Commitment and interest in each other (positive interactions)
Let's take the case of Ryan and Melinda. Ryan felt that the closeness he and his wife felt for each other was not as profound an experience as it used to be. They wondered, "could our love be eroding?" They decided to sit down and figure out what was responsible for the lessening of their mutual desire. They were very perceptive and direct. They asked each other and shared why they used to enjoy their time together more so than they do now. Melinda realized that Ryan used to spend time every day listening to Melinda. He would do so with great focus and touch her gently regularly throughout their time together as they discovered the wonder of each other's world. Somewhere along the way, this focus on each other gave way to being busy with work and the kids. They still talk over dinner, but the conversation usually concerns what errands need to be run and what is new in the kids' lives, not theirs.
So, Melinda suggested that they spend quality time exclusively focused on each other like they used to. She wanted to rediscover Ryan's world. What was thinking about life, etc. Ryan, for his part, agreed to be more attentive when Melinda spoke and made an effort to renew touching her non sexually more often. Ryan was surprised when he realized that he didn't spend time thinking about life or the other bigger questions anymore. So, he decided to invite Melinda to watch interesting documentaries with him. He could rekindle his inquisitiveness and they could share their thoughts and impressions. Melinda started sharing the content of the books she read with Ryan. He always enjoyed learning new things and Melinda's curious mind was a turn on for him. Pretty soon they started to feel more connected again. Ryan's touch was very soon reciprocated by Melinda. Mutual touch became second nature. They opened up about more than the thoughts and interests that they shared. Both the quality time together and their regular interactions became more filled with affection and mutual interest.
Step 2 - Removing what is unappealing
Over time Melinda put on weight. Food was a great outlet for stress. She was focused on a thousand details and didn't set the time to exercise. Her hormones also played a role as she was now finding it more difficult to lose weight than she had previously. But this isn't going where you may think. Ryan was attracted to Melinda. True she didn't look the same as when they met over 20 years ago. But, neither did he. Something else was the issue.
Between the financial strains and the nonstop care of dependents, both at home and at work, Melinda would take better care of her appearance when she went to work than when she spent time with Ryan. He still loved his wife. Very much in fact. But, reality is reality and he would have responded more to Melinda if he felt that she cared more about what he thought than strangers outside of their home.
Melinda's challenge was that Ryan let the kids get away with everything. When he finally put his foot down with the children, usually at Melinda's prompting, the stress that had already built up in the home took a toll on Melinda's ability to relax enough to do what Ryan desired. Unfortunately Ryan was for some reason unable or unwilling to change. He tried. But, he wasn't very successful. He had also put on quite a bit of weight. Melinda was just better able to assure him that she still found him attractive. Deep down though, he was embarrassed and rarely looked in the mirror. A vanishing hairline was bad enough. But, due to his growing belly, the only evidence he had when standing at a urinal that he was still a guy was circumstantial. Long gone were the days of looking down for instant recognition.
If you consider foreplay to be the sum of the love with your spouse minus the aggravations, with hormones tossed in to motivate us, then Melinda and Ryan still enjoyed their love making. BUT, it was not nearly as frequent as they might prefer. Why was that?
Step 3 - Initiating sexual arousal
This is what the images I mentioned earlier were trying to show. Here is the recipe. Place two nearly naked beautiful people in a sexual setting and they will excite each other. But, how did they develop their mood in the first place? You will also notice that these models tend to be very young. They haven't had the decades together to let the novelty more than wear off.
In reality, it is the nonsexual loving affection that is so important to a relationship that motivates sexual behavior. And while a husband may be tempted to turn nonsexual affection into a sexual moment, he is usually wiser to leave nonsexual affection for what it is. This way, his wife won't feel that she is being "tricked" into providing what someone else wants as opposed to being showered with what she needs. However, a little tease now and then builds up a desire. If you want to warm your wife up, be loving and supportive. Try not to be annoying. Be affectionate and occasionally a little risque. Then help her to relax.
This is not a formula. In chemistry, hydrogen and oxygen in the presence of a spark always produce water. That's just how it is. In the case of Melinda and Ryan, they are not living a formula. They are creating the atmosphere that is conducive to love making.
If your wife is receptive to your presence then there are certain locations on her body that you may want to caress and kiss to bring her to greater arousal. Although there is a lot of material on the net, the work of Dr. Debbie Herbenick stands out as being informative. She mentions that the nape of the neck, the tops and bottoms of the breasts and the inner thighs respond to loving touch. Yet, here too, ask your wife! She is the expert on her body. As for your exciting your husband. Beyond the obvious, he will be so excited touching you that he is quickly ready. Should you want to woo him, most men appreciate your loving gaze, cuddling up and he will feel it. If you want to be even more direct, he should respond very positively to your being loving and interested.
Remember, "foreplay" is called play. Make sure that your relationship has it's lighter side and that is accomplished with much love and affection. Take care of each other and you will be taken care of by each other.
For online resources, you can check out the following links (I have not linked to anything that is not supportive of a healthy marriage):
- What really turns women on and how men have got it complicated
- 14 Foreplay Tips to Please Your Woman
If you haven't already read them, check out Spring Into Your Bedroom and Spring Into Your Bedroom - Part II: Stress & Sex.