Charlie really enjoys bringing his wife Ludmilla to orgasm. He wants to be a kind and sensitive husband and when he sees himself being a good lover his self-esteem is given a great boost. It also means a lot to him that Ludmilla trusts him enough to relax into being pleasured. They have been married for over ten years, but, Ludmilla still feels the effect of having been abused during her adolescence. If you would ask Ludmilla, she would tell you that she really enjoys the sex that she and Charlie have. She just happens to prefer p-in-v to being directly stimulated even though it takes the latter to bring her to orgasm. According to Charlie, thought, she rarely desires to be stimulated for the extended period it takes for her to have an orgasm. This leaves Charlie confused and hurt. He has a bunch of questions swirling around in his thoughts.
- Aren't women supposed to want orgasms?
- Or does Ludmilla just not want orgasms with me?
- Is something wrong with my wife?
- Maybe she's too stressed?
- Maybe she's hormonally challenged?
- Or maybe, I'm just not good enough in bed?
One of the benefits of searching on the internet is that you can find an enormous amount of information. The disadvantage is that people like Charlie may depend on it rather than speak to their partner. It's not that Charlie has never spoken to Ludmilla about his concerns. Nonetheless, he can't seem to come to terms with the fact that she is so different from what seems like the norm. This ongoing uncertainty fuels Charlie's worry.
Over time, Charlie became increasingly frustrated. One day in response to his very obvious body language, Ludmilla decided to clear things up.
"It's not that I don't want an orgasm, Charlie. I just don't want one that often. Maybe every few months." As you might suspect, Charlie wasn't reassured.
He responded, "I enjoy pleasuring you. I'm not impatient. I've told you many times that I enjoy giving you pleasure. The longer you take the more I have given you."
"It's my body," Ludmilla said, "and I don't need to be like the women you read about online. If you respect me, then you need to respect my needs not theirs."
"But," Charlie protested, "don't you enjoy our lovemaking?"
"Of course I do. I tell you that each time we're together. I prefer when you are inside me. I don't want the other." Ludmilla answered. After a moment of silence she continued. "There has been so much stress. And it's been going on for too long: financial stress, your crazy family and the kids' struggle with school. I am tired and worn out."
"So, as we resolve these issues and you get your strength back then maybe you'll want to have orgasms more often?" Charlie asked hopeful that he will be allowed to be a great lover.
"This is not really about me, is it Charlie? This is about your need to feel like a good lover. And I've told you that you are. We'll see what I want in the future. But, I don't need to feel pressure to be what you think I should be."
Clear as mud to Charlie. Crystal clear to Ludmilla.
"Charlie, to you," continued Ludmilla, "your whole sexual experience centers around your having an orgasm. If you don't have one, you are left psychologically and physically unfulfilled and sore. That's not how it works for me."
"So if we just hug and cuddle without doing more you are left satisfied?" Charlie asked.
"Sometimes that's wonderful. Then we could fall asleep together. Doesn't that sound beautiful?" Ludmilla sought to clarify. Looking at the expression on Charlie's face, Ludmilla added, "except that I don't want to do that either with you because you expect that cuddling should lead to more."
"When we cuddle during the day or if we take a nap together I enjoy our closeness." Charlie answered. "But, falling asleep after making love is amazing."
"I'm a woman Charlie. My experience is different than yours."
Charlie tried to be more specific. "I don't want to be having sex every day. But, closeness and intimacy together bring on my desire for you Ludmilla."
"That's wonderful. But, a man who is only physical in the bedroom is a turn off." Ludmilla said. She regretted her choice of words as soon as they came out of her mouth.
"I am affectionate outside of the bedroom," Charlie protested. "Are you saying...?"
"Not at all Charlie. I knew you would say that. I mean that I know what it is that I enjoy. I would like more nonsexual affection in the bedroom. That would mean more to me that than trying to have an orgasm for you. That's just pressure. It's not for me."
Charlie could understand what Ludmilla was saying on an emotional level. He also realized that he wanted his wife to enjoy sex the way he thought she could so that he would feel good about himself. "OK. if you promise to tell me what you want, I will focus on enjoying our time together knowing that I am making you happy."
"Marriage isn't easy." Charlie shared with his Ludmilla. "Even trying to be a loving husband is complicated."
"Who said it was easy for me." Ludmilla responded. "I have the pressures of life and of a dear husband who seems to be challenged understanding his wife." She smiled.
Charlie took Ludmilla's hand. They sat there together. Ludmilla wanted to walk into another room and relax. Later it would be nice to cuddle. Charlie hoped they would head for the bedroom. Now would be nice to make love.
Here you have a man who wants to be a giving lover. His problem is that he is trying to be that lover as is defined by other people. It is his wife who determines what is a giving lover.
We would be wiser if we considered the dialogue this couple had. The recipient turns out to be the one who determines what giving is. The giver ends up becoming the true recipient. Such is a good marriage.