Let's look at them one at a time and see what have been up to. Ariana is closing in on 32. She has single friends who want to set her up. They have shown her pictures of different guys, but she hasn't found any of them attractive. Anyways, she would rather just meet someone out there.
What's her type? She would like him to be taller. As in, she wants to come up to his shoulders. And he should also be a nice person.
So, I asked her where she meets men. She doesn't. That's a really big problem if you refuse to meet anyone your friends suggest.
There were a few issues here that needed to be discussed:
1. What kind of men were Ariana's friends trying to set her up with?
In this regard, Ariana's friends were not doing her any favors. They would hear about single men and suggest that she go out with them. They hadn't explored their values, personality, habits, etc. This was nothing more than a roll of the dice. Ariana could go on dates like this forever.
If you want to introduce two single people, you need to evaluate if they would be potentially compatible. Should she be very athletic and is looking for an adventurous partner, maybe your friend the librarian shouldn't be your first thought. (I'm sure there are athletic librarians too.)
Do you know how loyal they have been in the past? What's their reputation? Have you asked them what they are looking for?
2. What is more important to Ariana, finding the right look or the right personality?
Obviously, she would like to find the perfect combination. But, in the real world, we usually meet someone we find attractive and build from there. If Ariana's friends could narrow down the men they recommended to those who seem more suitable to her, Ariana might be more likely to agree to at least meet them.
When I ran this past her, she responded positively to this idea. After all, what if her image was really based on some unconscious childhood fantasy. She wants to find someone. What if Mr. Near Perfect comes in a different package? Might Ariana be surprised to realize that she was developing strong emotional feelings and desire towards someone who didn't meet her dream guy image? Stranger things have happened.
3. How could Ariana go about meeting men?
The only men Ariana interacted with were the ones she worked with. But, they were married. So, she needs to stay away from them. She's needy. That's dangerous.
What about personal interests? She enjoys attending religious services. Anyone she meets at the services, male or female, is a potential source of help. Hopefully, in a religious setting, people value marriage and would want to suggest someone they thought might be appropriate. No guarantees of common sense of course.
In the meantime, she will consider what other activities she might engage in to meet more people.
Now, let's meet Gladys. She's in her early 40s and has been suffering from anorexia for a very long time. Her last real boyfriend had been abusing drugs and alcohol with her. Both of them were promiscuous. She was seeking an escape from reality. Gladys is very fortunate to have escaped Hepatitis and Aids among other problems. She is now clean for over 5 years, but hates where she is holding in her life. No money, no relationship, no real job and of course the anorexia.
Gladys needs professional help for her eating disorder. But, she related how a friend of hers was in even worse shape. She met a very sweet man and her recovery has been helped by the love she feels from him. I'm not suggesting that Gladys try to find a man to share her life with before she seeks help. But, there is something very powerful to learn here. Her friend, despite her issues, met someone supportive. Gladys attracts and is attracted to men who are bad for her.
What type of man does Gladys get involved with? Someone who looks really big and macho, yet is warm. Even without the anorexia Gladys is very small. Without being too psychobabbly, one would think that she is looking for a daddy figure. Her own father was cold and verbally abusive. She could do no right.
I hope that Gladys finds the therapeutic help that she needs. Hopefully, as she is able to stand up to her father as an adult, he passed away years ago so I am referring to the dialogue in her mind, she will be able to put him in his place. If she can gain weight and look at her body in the mirror and tell herself that she is beautiful, she will be on the road to finding a man who would be supportive and a positive influence in her life.
We are often on a particular path in life without even realizing it. We make decisions to include or exclude people from our lives based on calculations that we are oblivious to. In the case above, neither Ariana nor Gladys were conscious of the motivations that spurred them on. If you too are single and trying to find your beloved please remember that:
- Your self-esteem will determine the quality of your decisions.
- You may be guided by fantasies that are actually impeding your chances of finding someone special.
- Keep your eyes open to blessing in your life.